Thursday, August 19, 2010

Can't Wait

I can’t wait till I’ve saved enough money from this goddamn gig slinging tacos at the Tastee-Kone and can pay off my old man for the Chrysler cuz then I am so out of this numbfuck place, this tired valley full of dumbshit farmers and their almond trees, and me and Mariah will drive up the coast, past pussy Big Sur and Russian River and disappear into the woods, maybe Oregon, hell, who knows, just like all the hippies did thirty years ago, and she’ll grow organic shiitakes and reishi on moldy logs and I’ll farm sensi from the killer weed seeds hidden in the origami crane, the one the Japanese woman on the corner gave to me two years ago in the Haight when I was high as a fucking kite, my right eye bashed in because The Dude said I owed him money, but I needed to score, and this tiny Jap, lady really, though all her stuff was in plastic bags, was selling these folded-paper creatures on the corner, a buck each, and I looked at the money stashed in the cup between her knees, my hand fisted and spit gushed in my mouth just thinking of the baggie, but she looked up at me, her white-streaked hair tied into a tight little -- what do you call it, a chignon? – and anyway, she looked up at me and handed me this crane and said, “I will pray for you.”

***

Inspired by this week's 52/250 Flash a Year theme --> Waiting.

Peace, Linda

38 comments:

  1. Wow, Linda you do such a good job of getting into other voices. So vivid, as always.

    LOL @ pussy Big Sur!! LOL! I have only been there once (at Esalen) and loved it, and yet that really made me laugh!

    Speaking of can't wait, how is the end of PURE going? I'm still on the edge of my seat, I am needing more like this guy was wanting his baggie.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Awesome voice to this! It makes me wonder what will ever become of him.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow, Linda. The voice here is amazing, edgy, right up until that little Japanese woman cut it to the core. Excellent, excellent piece.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Give me a moment to catch my breath....

    ReplyDelete
  5. Man this is freaky, cos read this during ad break in a programme on the Manson family slayings here in the UK...

    This was powerful stuff, the run on stream of consciousness ideally suits the tone.

    marc nash

    ReplyDelete
  6. Fantastic - and much too short. Hope you decide to expand on this, but that said - perfect in its own way. A whole life story in a small paragraph. Sadly befitting of the narrator. Well done.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I agree with the other comments that the authentic voice makes the story. The way you run each sentence into the next is the perfect cadence for a drug addicts thoughts. Brilliant writing.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hey all, thanks so much for the reads and kind words. This short so went into a different direction than I thought it would. I'm happy you feel the stream of consciousness -- I actually edited this story a LOT -- and what sort of excites me is: this is one sentence ;^)

    Off to spend some time reading your flashes. Peace...

    ReplyDelete
  9. friggin' amazing short, and as G.P. said, authentic voice.

    I love that you said in your comment that you edited this story a "LOT" (loved the caps). I talk to so many writers that think one or two passes is enough--edit, edit, edit, just as you would polish, polish, polish to gain a lustrous pearl.

    Linda, I love stopping by here. You always deliver.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Some really good voice pieces appearing around #fridayflash this week. I had to read this one out loud, and I wound up recording it. I put it on sendspace in case you'd ever like to listen to what this sounded like in my head.

    I botched a line or two - a passionate run-on sentence will do that to a fella. But I sure enjoyed reading it. Thanks for sharing.

    Link: http://www.sendspace.com/file/337hna

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yes, what I love about it is that we get all the story about the narrator in a rush of words that don't need more than that one sentence.

    Fabulous!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Love the angst riddled rebellion in this piece. (Hugs)Indigo

    ReplyDelete
  13. Nice and tight. Excellent writing.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Peggy, thank you for reading. The more I edit, the more I learn. I'm so glad my words pleased you.

    John. John, John, John... Thank you. Your wonderful voice reading my words pays this story utmost honor. Peace...

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm impressed - way to jump into a whole persona/voice. I was a little taken aback when I initially started reading but put that away pretty quick. Loved how the the voice kept the little crane and how the memory of the little Japanese lady added the humanity check.

    ReplyDelete
  16. There's nothing better than a tight, taut flash. Loved the brevity in this.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Linda, it seems like all I ever say to you is: "Wow!" This story leaves me with nothing different - Wow. One long sentence, and it's perfection at its highest peak. The voice, as others have said, is outstanding. *Clapping, clapping*

    ReplyDelete
  18. Can one describe an explosion as being tight?

    Well done, Linda.

    ReplyDelete
  19. great vibe - and such a powerful ending. what a ride of a story.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Well written and mucho entertaining!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I can picture a young, lanky guy, longish hair, unkempt scruff sprouting on his face -- stuffing taco shells, flashing a stiff smile and faraway eyes at customers as he's running this monologue through his mind.

    Wonderful stuff. :)

    ReplyDelete
  22. Linda, I'm going to cheat and use my fn comments: Great sense of voice in this. I like where this narrator takes us.

    I'll also add that I didn't realize this was one sentence until you pointed that out. I think that means there's some wonderful crafting you did here to turn a one sentence story into something more.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I've become such a fan of yours, and this piece is outrageously good. SoC is hard to do, and you make it seem so effortless.

    Perfect, glorious piece.

    ReplyDelete
  24. You do so well at conveying the rawness of a character's emotions. I'm always impressed when I read your pieces.

    Jai

    ReplyDelete
  25. That's literary origami, all one sentence intricately folded to show two points of view in one powerful voice resulting in a bit of magic - Wow.

    ReplyDelete
  26. This was wonderful the first time I read it at the 52/250 Flash site, and it's wonderful the 2nd time around. :)

    ReplyDelete
  27. Awesome good -- and real -- sense of tempo and rhythm. Nice work.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Y'know most editors would give ya crap for run-on sentences but most editors haven't set eyes on this righteous beauty.
    Big, big thumb's up on this one Linda.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Amazing. Just amazing. Excuse me, I must off to the woodshed for a year or two now ...

    ReplyDelete
  30. Good story! Loved the flow of it--one long, pushed-together thought. It made it seem authentic from this narrator.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Excellent, excellent, excellent. The one long sentence was perfect for the character's voice thought processes.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Wow, there's a lot packed into this sentence. And it hangs together beautifully. As others have stated, this is a terrific voice.

    Really well done.

    And, hey! I like Russian River (to say nothing of Big Sur) :)

    ReplyDelete
  33. Wow. Great verbal gymnastics. Those fluid clause contortions were awesome

    ReplyDelete
  34. For such a short piece, that was a very intense view into an off track life. And then that last line, really gets you.

    ReplyDelete
  35. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Wow, it feels like it's my birthday or something -- thank you all for reading and dropping notes about my story. Wow. Just back from visiting my mother sans itnernet and catching up, I'm overwhelemd by your responses. I'll read more carefully later, and promise to read each of your stories over the next few nights. THANK YOU -- made my week. peace...

    ReplyDelete
  37. I agree, the run-on stream of consciousness worked so well here.
    ~jon

    ReplyDelete
  38. That's a hell of a sentence, Linda! Great job with the voice.

    ReplyDelete