Thursday, October 29, 2009

Bookends of a Life: I

Do I love you enough? You, the aftereffect of endless appointments and near-daily blood sticks, the needles’ cross-hatches marking me a junkie of sorts; the disappointment of every failed implant only fueled my appetite for the next humiliating procedure under the tented sheet, legs parted wider than the jaws of life. You, my quarter-million dollar princess; you, whom I desired more than my soul, my marriage; you, who for years existed but in fantasy: your warm baby-powder body snuggling against my breast, lazy afternoons playing peek-a-boo in Indian summer leaves, the scent of your milk-stained breath… Now, your red face agonizes confusion, wanting food, wanting sleep, wanting, always wanting, your selfish wail pervades, your needy blue eyes follow; I can’t shower, can’t piss without you clinging to me. You have transformed me into an aimless, sleepless wraith pacing the endless hall and all I want is to slam you against the wall or hand you to a stranger, perhaps the woman who gazed longingly at you in the park, but I keep pat-patting, trying to get you to burp into the disgusting white flannel draped over my shoulder, my snotty badge of motherhood. Isn’t this proof enough of my love?

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Bookends come in pairs, so look for the other one next Friday. Prepping for NaNoWriMo and my writing class, so this week's a rerun, originally published in 6S: Volume 2, 2009.

Peace, Linda

25 comments:

  1. You can't help but be both appalled and sympathetic towards her. Are you going to find her some help, Linda? :)

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  2. Postpartum depression is so insidious!

    Your narrative has a lovely poetic rhythm to it.

    It works!

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  3. Ahh, as horrible as it sounds--it has the ring of truth/honesty!

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  4. Like Melissa, my first thought was: Truth. Sometimes, truth is more terrifying than fiction. What a startling revelation in character.

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  5. You really hit the violence of emotions in this piece. It's appalling, like others have said, and yet totally understandable.

    Jai

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  6. Dads will never know this pain. Super stuff!

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  7. Very nice, Linda. You have a way of showing the unspoken yet shared known truth of real people.

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  8. That's one powerful paragraph. And it is, in a way, two bookends in itself -- the desire vs. the reality. The longing vs. the "slam you against the wall." You have succinctly described the emotions of parenthood. Nicely done.

    Jeff Posey.

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  9. I find this most terrifying because it's my own deepest fear - to be at either end of that particular set of books :)

    Very strong piece this

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  10. I remember this. Very strong emotional piece. Look forward to the other end.
    Deborah

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  11. And that is about as true to life as it gets. You held the mirror up to life with nary a quiver in this one.

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  12. This is like a little stab to the heart. Truth, the sweetness and harshness of it. I'm looking forward to the other bookend.

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  13. Linda, you captured this feeling astoundingly well. Gut-wrenching piece.

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  14. Beautiful, Linda, and oh-so-relatable. Looking forward to pt 2

    Greta

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  15. Oh, Linda--maybe because my boys are only three and I still remember this place, but this just made me want to hug her and tell her YES, it is enough. It will always be enough. Fantasy meets reality is always a hard place to be in. Wonderful, honest piece.

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  16. Truth is a sharp stick. Perfect photo to go with this piece too.

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  17. Linda? Are you okay?

    Just joking. Voice = amazing. Fantastic monologue.

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  18. Wow, this is one powerful piece. Very well written, and oh so poignant. Good luck on NaNo. I'm kind of in a panic over it myself.
    ~jon

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  19. The emotions that flood this are so powerful. So well and so much packed into so little space.

    Excellently done Linda.

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  20. A strong piece, however I did find the picture a little distracting.

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  21. Hey all, thanks so much for reading! I think every parent feels this mixed bag of love-hatred-fear at least once with their child. Sleep deprivation, you know?

    Comcast problems all weekend; I'm slowly making the rounds to all your flashes... Peace, Linda

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  22. Powerful, Linda. Good luck with NaNo! I'm really getting into it this year.

    Peace,
    Cindy.

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  23. Thanks Mark, John, and Cindy. Buddy me Cindy lou - drwasy! Peace, Linda

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